Not Sam Smith


Date #9

I had never really considered having a one night stand. All  those STD pictures from high school combined with watching too much SVU has kind of turned off the idea to me. Plus I like to cuddle without any awkward small talk. And I don’t like bringing people into my bed unless they shower first. And I don’t like getting it on in dirty boy apartments. But at least I’m not high maintenance….

Let me set the scene for Date #9. Monday night. There’s a snow storm a-comin’ and schools are cancelled tomorrow (which means no work for me!). Treating this Monday like the Friday it has become, I agreed to go on a date at 11pm with a guy who had a really cute bulldog in his Bumble prof pic. He got off work at the hospital around 10:30 and asked to meet me at a cozy wine bar close by so he could shower and not be late. My first thought was: aww that’s nice of him to shower first. And then I was like: Are you fucking kidding?? Of course he should shower after being in the nasty ER all day. Set your standards a little higher, betch. 

Our previous day of texting had been hilarious but in a friendly, not flirty way. And, I know this sounds bad, but I wasn’t super into him like that. I just figured I’d get a point out of the snow storm. When we met, we got along instantly. The conversation flowed, we had similar senses of humor, and we laughed until 2:0) in the morning. But I never got the feeling that either of us were even vaguely romantically interested in each other. Just cordial.

After a bottle of wine, we got up to leave. He helped me put on my coat and turned to me.

The storm isn’t here yet- if you want to come over I live just 2 blocks away.


And that’s it. THAT’s how my first one night stand happened. Are you breathless?? Begging for the dirty deets?? Yeah, I didn’t think so. It was so casual I almost didn’t realize I was about wonder into uncharted sex territory.

We wandered through the UES streets just as they were collecting a thin layer of snow, awkwardly stepping so we wouldn’t slip. He was a good 4 inches shorter than my 5’6″ frame and at one point he tried putting his arm around my shoulder. It just didn’t work. With the extra cautious walking and the height difference it was just dumb. So he retracted his arm and we approached his apartment.

His dog was cute. And his studio was okay. Pretty much exactly what I would assume every 28 year-old doctor’s apartment looks like: large and empty. We made out for a hot second and then got it on. It wasn’t good. And then I said bye to his bulldog and left.

That was cool. Maybe I’ll do it again sometime. Maybe not. One of the perks of a relationship is getting better at sex together. Unless both people in a one night stand are incredible sexperts, I’m not confident that I can have great sex on a one night stand. Not my cup of tea, I guess.

Love always,

Art Babe


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