Dating, humor, Online Dating, Sex

Good American

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Let’s talk about butt sex.

Like all other dates, I met this one on Tinder. Let’s call him… English.

English was the man most girls dreamed about — tall, dark, and a jaw line so sharp it could cut glass.

We arrived at the mutually agreed upon location in New York’s lower east side. Like clockwork, the hostess sat us next to a married couple who mirrored our… characteristics. The wife was an Asian woman who sat beside me while her husband was a tall white male who sat on the opposite side.

I watched as her husband struggled with his pair of chopsticks. “Oh. Yeah. I know, it takes a while to get used to…” I awkwardly consoled the husband while catching English wrestle with his own pair from the corner of my eye.

In an alternate reality, this couple could have been the future of English and me. Little did the universe know, English and I would never speak to each other again after tonight.

Dinner labored on as any other date. The usual questions and topics were discussed and complements were given in a timely manner. After we split the bill, we began to walk towards his Airbnb which was just around the corner from the restaurant – convenient.

Following a few minutes of dodging traffic, we arrived at a 4-storied brick building. English buzzed us into the lobby and we made our way to the top floor. We tried to access the roof but failed due to locked doors and an unknown security code. English grabbed my face and we began to kiss like high school kids hiding in a dark corner on prom night – sloppy, awkward, and horny.

He took me back to his Airbnb and asked if I wanted to “do something fun”. Fun? I immediately thought to myself that he was going to murder me.

“Let’s take a shower”, he said after he pulled a towel out from behind the door.

“Uh, what?” I replied. I naively asked myself why we needed to shower? We hadn’t even had sex yet.

He insisted that we hop into the shower and that it was going to be “a good time”. With hesitation and fear that the shower was going to be filled with mold and mildew, I reluctantly agreed. After all, he was only visiting form England and I wanted to show him “a good time”. I didn’t want the rest of the world’s malignant accusations of American girls to hold true. I wanted to be the good American.

Cold and wet.

He lathered my body and slowly worked his way down.

Blind to my surrounding with soap in my eyes, I felt him grab my butt cheeks and spread them apart – disturbed and shocked. I jumped before I heard him drop to his knees and thrust his face into my butt.

“Mother of Jesus pray for my soul because this is not holy!” I thought to myself.

It was all happening so fast. Did I like this? With slippery hands, I literally pulled his head out of my ass. Still blinded by the soap in my eyes I attempted to do a sexy hair flip which would hopefully position my butt away from his face. I ungracefully slipped and nearly hit my head on the shower wall. The shampoo bottles came tumbling down and the possibility of salvaging any remains of dignity were washed down the drain.

Fast forward to the bedroom – he had my knees wrapped tightly around my ears. With my legs sprawled out like heaven’s gate, he leaned back and gazed at my underside.

“Wow” he exclaimed with excitement. “WOW!” he said again. It was as if I was the latest Netflix obsession and my butthole was the star of the show. English nose-dived in.

I will save the details from this post for those readers with a faint heart. By the end of the night, I was drench in a pool of sweat and saliva, and confronted with a flaccid penis.

All this is to say that I think we as a society shy away from any indication that sex can happen in the less trodden terrain of your body – the butt. Roaming in the forsaken territory is considered unclean or appalling. However, in the heat of the moment, as long as both parties are privy to other’s actions pleasure is just pure pleasure.

XXX babe

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Attractions, Dating, Dating Challenge, Girl Trip, humor, NYC, Online Dating, Travel, Uncategorized

Babeland Stamp of Approval: Woodstock

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Need to get out of town with your lady gang? Go to Woodstock. It’s cute as shit and everyone is so gosh darn nice and the air doesn’t smell like diesel and stewing garbage. It’s the perfect get away to remind yourself, “Hey, nature exists outside of Central Park and it’s fucking magical.” So here are a few pics and tips from our trip to Woodstock:

Where should I stay? So glad you asked. We stayed in an Airbnb about a mile from the center of town. This house had so much going for it- tree house, forest, living room with disco ball and lava lamps big enough for a serious dance party, projector screen hooked up to a dvd player (might I suggest Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and She’s the Man), big kitchen, great host, super graphic books about sex, amazing location. Click here for the house.

 

While we were there, we fell in love with the Catskills so much that we made a reservation for our next trip 10 months in advance (you read that correctly- Babeland is comprised of serious planners who get off on iCal notifications) at The Graham and Co. It’s a cute hipster Instaworthy motel-y paradise in the middle of a lush forest. It’s also typically booked several months in advance so get on it. Bonus: there was a cute boy with a beard chopping wood out front when we were snooping around. He works there. Go find him and ask for wine and more fire wood.

 

What should I eat? We at Babeland would tell you to eat everything. But for those of  you who don’t order 4 dishes each when you go out with your girls, you can still trust that these recommendations are delicious.

Garden Cafe: Vegan and amazing. We went here for brunch on a chilly Saturday morning and it was packed (not NYC packed, but very full and we had to wait 5 minutes to sit down).

 

Vinny’s Farm Market: Want to make a nice home-cooked meal? Go to Vinny’s Farm Market. They have amazing produce and random German desserts and mind-blowing ciders. And if you’re lucky and go in September, you might catch them when they have GARLIC DONUTS. Sound weird to you? Then you’re not worthy of the pure bliss that is a donut that will stink up your entire car in the best possible way.

 

What should I do? Live the simple life. Go to the flea market. Sit in a cafe and drink some matcha/chai/coffee/whatever. Visit the local shops. Smoke some weed. Hike. Drop acid. Just live your best life.

Bottom Line: Go to woodstock. Go alone and find yourself or go with a group of people you love and laugh your asses off. You can’t lose.

XO,

Art Babe

 

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